I thought a lot about how I wanted to write this. How I wanted to present myself. It doesn't help that we live in a Ctrl-TAB world where it's easy to get distracted by a new tab, YouTube, or a snapchat from our cell phone. Should they even be called that anymore? Mini-computers...essentially.
My mind is a mess. I've been writing this for years. It's either true, or it's not even remotely true. The mind's always a mess, one might argue, because how else could it function? Maybe I've just been stuck in Neutral for too long.
Too long. For too long. Patta's dying. It's quite something to type that out. It brings tears to my eyes. I keep thinking that I had something to do with it - because I didn't call since coming back. But that's not really it, and I know it. It's the passage of life. Is it terrible that I'm thinking about how her death factors into my life, my career? I think that maybe she'll be the reason to spur me on, to kick me into high gear. Patta...doesn't owe me anything. She's given me more than I could've ever asked for. Freedom, respect, mentorship, fun / challenges, guidance and confidence, money, a home, a connection, tamil. I and the rest of the family can't expect her to last forever. And yet we'd like for her to just be there, whenever we have the few minutes to attend to something that's not work, not our social friends, not our own daily lives. I couldn't spare 5 minutes in a day to call her.
Instead I smoked, drank, laid around, watched the office, talked to girls with boyfriends, and generally wasted my time. It's not fully true, I'm purposefully omitting the good things, as is my wont. I've got to learn to work within the constraints, not waiting for, expecting, or waiting to receive the perfect chance, the perfect opportunity, the ideal circumstances.